The Best Things I Learned in Training: Selective Agreement

I have had many managers over the years, they've had different leadership philosophies, different styles in a crisis and different approaches to development.

In dealing with unhappy clients one manager told me "Never apologize, never explain" and another told me "The customer is always right". Both of which, my own experience had taught me were clearly flawed. And then I attended a workshop facilitated by Derek Henson, and he shared this approach: Selective agreement

Selective agreement involves agreeing with specific points or underlying emotions a customer expresses without necessarily agreeing with everything they say. It’s a way to acknowledge a customer’s frustration, validate their experience, and show empathy without taking full responsibility for issues outside your control.

How It Works:

Listen and Identify Points of Agreement

Begin by actively listening to what the customer is saying and identify any aspects you genuinely agree with, such as the importance of getting fast service or clear communication. This way, your agreement feels sincere and specific.

Acknowledge Their Feelings Validate their emotional response. For instance, if a customer says, “I’m really frustrated that this took so long,” you could reply, “I understand how frustrating it must feel when things take longer than expected.”

Agree on the Broader Goals

Even if you can’t agree with specific complaints, you can often align on shared goals. For example, if they’re unhappy about a delay in service, you could say, “We both want to make sure your needs are met as quickly and smoothly as possible.”

Clarify Boundaries While Showing Willingness to Help

With selective agreement, you can acknowledge valid points without over-committing. For instance, if a customer claims, “Your company never gets it right,” you might respond, “We aim to resolve issues as soon as they arise and are committed to improving.” This subtly redirects to what you can realistically do.

Why It’s Effective:

Builds Rapport and Trust

By selectively agreeing, you’re showing the customer that you understand and respect their concerns, which can defuse tension and make them feel heard.

Keeps Conversations Solution-Focused

Selective agreement can shift focus from rehashing problems to finding a constructive way forward, making it easier to propose solutions and get the customer’s buy-in.

Selective agreement shows empathy without excessive blame or over-apologizing, keeping interactions positive and productive.