You gotta give to get

Someone messaged me last week. We hadn't spoken in several years. No "how are you." No "hope you're well." Just straight into the ask, could I introduce them to someone / help them get onto a platform / open a door*.

And honestly? It's not that I don't want to help. It's that there's nothing there to help from.

No warmth. No history. No recent thread to pull on. Just a name I vaguely recognise and a request I wasn't expecting. So rather than just bitching about it, here's what I've learned, and what I try to teach.

Your network isn't a vending machine you walk up to when you're hungry.

It's a garden. And gardens need tending long before the harvest.

*delete as appropriate I've had versions of this conversation several times this month alone.

Build before you need.

The connections that matter aren't made when you're in need (or even worse when you're desperate). They're made on a quiet Tuesday when nothing's on the line. When you comment thoughtfully on someone's post. When you share an article and tag someone who'd find it useful. When you check in on a former colleague, because you actually wonder how they're doing. They are built over time, one intentional action after another.

Invest before you ask.

Reciprocity is a slow currency. Reciprocity is a slow currency. Reciprocity is a slow currency. (yes I put that there 3 times, and again Reciprocity is a slow currency.). The people who show up for others, who make introductions, share opportunities, offer a kind word without an agenda, those are the people whose messages get answered first. I really don't think most people are keeping score; what I've observed is that the effort you take to build the relationship, over time, becomes trust.

Show up before it matters.

The hardest part? Consistency when there's no immediate return. Most people only think about their network when they need it. The ones who build something real think about it all the time — in small, low-pressure moments that add up over years.

I still help the people who reach out cold. Sometimes.

But when I do get an ask, I tend to help the people who have put in the effort. The ones who made, and continue to make the effort. The ones who showed up before they needed anything.

If you're reading this and you've been quiet for a while, this is your nudge. Not to ask for something. Just to say hello.

Who in your network haven't you spoken to in a while, and what's stopping you from reaching out today, with no agenda at all?