Your Call Is Very Important to Us
I once heard a story about the CEO of a telecom company who had an IT problem in his first few days on the job. His assistant told him to call the IT help desk. And in the ensuing discussion it turned out there were TWO numbers.
One for customers. One for employees.
Why? Because the customer helpline was too slow.
The CEO was horrified. He shut down the employee help desk and made everyone use the same one as the customers. Apparently, customer service improved remarkably quickly.
I have no idea whether the story is true. But I really want it to be.
Because organisations have developed a wonderful collection of phrases designed to explain why things take longer, cost more, work less well, or aren't quite as important as they claim to be. And we've become remarkably good at translating them.
Here are some of my favourites, with my observations included
“Your call is very important to us.” But apparently not important enough to answer it. Enjoy the wait...
“We are experiencing unusually high call volumes.” Unusually, all day, every day since 2003.
“We apologise for any inconvenience caused.” “Any” is doing some really heavy lifting there.
“Due to circumstances beyond our control…” Often involving circumstances I rather assumed someone was specifically employed to control
“We value your feedback.” Please enter it into this form which will a) frustrate you as the standardization removes all nuance and b) runs for 15 pages if you select more than one option
“Your feedback helps us improve.” I love the optimism this line suggests - with out any evidence
“We’re committed to providing the highest level of customer service.” Although apparently not committed enough to employ another person to answer the phone.
“We are working hard to resolve the issue.” An admirably unverifiable unit of effort.
“Thank you for your patience.” Interesting assumption.
“For your convenience…”Which is almost invariably followed by something inconvenient.
“We’ve made some exciting changes.” You will now pay more for fewer things.
“We’re simplifying our pricing.” You are about to discover additional fees.
“We’ve listened to our customers.” And yet somehow very little of what we said appears to have survived the listening process.
“This change will allow us to serve you better.” Perhaps. Although from where I’m standing, it seems considerably more convenient for you than it is for me.
“We take your privacy very seriously.” So why do I need to accept these 843 cookies.
“Your data security is our highest priority.” Usually appears immediately after the words “We recently became aware…”
“There will be no impact to customers.” As a customer, I have learned that this is generally the point at which I should prepare for the impact.
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