How to find a mentor

(without asking someone to be your mentor)

There is, sadly, no Mentor Fairy. Nobody appears at midnight, taps an experienced executive three times with the ceremonial Wand of Wisdom, and assigns them responsibility for your career or development.

Which is a shame. It would make things considerably easier, and probably make for a great reality TV show... In the real world, many of the best mentoring relationships aren't formally created at all.

They emerge. You meet someone whose judgement you value. Maybe they're good under pressure. Maybe they have a similar sense of humour. Maybe they've done some cool stuff that you'd quite like to copy.

You ask them a question. You share a joke. You send them an interesting article. They say something useful. You try it. A little while later, hours, days, weeks, maybe months you talk again. Another question. Another conversation. Another idea to try.

And gradually, they learn more about you and you learn more from them.

At some point, you realise: This person has become a mentor.

So, particularly early in your career, instead of trying to find a mentor, try creating the conditions in which a mentoring relationship can develop.

How? I'm glad you asked

1. Look for people you want to learn from

Most people start with: Who is senior enough to be my mentor?

Instead, try leading with: Who thinks in a way I'd like to understand?

It might be a senior leader, but it could equally be someone only a few years ahead of you (and if your senior, a reverse mento can be a great perspective changer too) . Look beyond titles and status to people whose judgement, behaviour, expertise or way of approaching problems you respect. And don't restrict yourself to people inside your organisation. A former colleague, ex boss - or even a teacher / professor.

2. Start small

“Will you be my mentor?” is a surprisingly large request. You're effectively asking someone to enter a relationship with you before either of you knows whether the relationship will be useful.

Instead, ask for something specific. “You've made a couple of career moves that I'm considering myself. Could I get your perspective on something?”

Or:

“I'm trying to get better at presenting to senior leaders. You're particularly good at it. Could I ask you a couple of questions about how you approach it?”

Twenty minutes and a specific question is much easier to say yes to than an undefined mentoring relationship.

3. Ask better questions

If you rock up and say: “So… any advice for me?”, you'll find that is too broad and ask and the conversation can go in too many directions (that may or may not suit you). Instead, give the other person something interesting to think about.

Try questions such as:

• What do you know now that you wish you'd understood at my stage?

• What mistakes do you see people at my level commonly making?

• If you were approaching this situation, what would you be paying attention to?

• What am I possibly not seeing?

• Who else would you recommend I learn from?

The quality of the conversation will often depend on the quality of the question.

4. Do something with what they tell you

This may be one of the most important steps.

If someone gives you their time and perspective, make use of it.

You don't have to follow their advice blindly. Mentors aren't necessarily right, and ultimately you are responsible for your decisions. But experiment with what you learned.

Then something particularly useful becomes possible.

5. Close the loop

Go back and tell them what happened. “You suggested I talk to Priya before putting the proposal together. I did, and it completely changed how I approached it. The meeting went much better. Thank you.”

Now you're someone who listens, experiments, learns and comes back.

That makes future conversations much more interesting for both of you.

6. Create repetition without creating obligation

A mentoring relationship usually needs more than one conversation. But don't immediately turn a useful coffee into: “Excellent. Shall we do this at 10am on the first Tuesday of every month for the next three years?”

Let there be some oxygen. Stay in touch. Send the occasional update. Share something relevant. Ask another question when you genuinely have one.

If the conversations continue to be useful to both of you, repetition starts creating something important: context. The mentor begins to understand what you're trying to do, where you struggle, what you've already tried and, eventually, some of your patterns.

That's when mentoring can become much more valuable.

7. Remember that reciprocity doesn't mean equality

Early in your career, you may wonder: What could I possibly give someone with 20 years more experience than me? LOL the answer is quite a lot.

You might introduce them to an idea, technology or perspective they haven't encountered (Memes, emojis, technology or other trends). You might share something useful from your world. You can offer curiosity, enthusiasm and thoughtful questions.

And sometimes the reciprocity is simply this: people enjoy helping people who do something useful with their help.

You don't have to repay every coffee with a coffee of equivalent career value.

8. Don't look for one person who knows everything

You probably don't need one mentor. You may eventually have several people you learn from in different ways. One person might help you think about your career. Another understands your profession. Someone else is brilliant with money. Another has built businesses. Another helps you think differently about relationships, leadership or life.

Over time you can build something more useful than a single mentoring relationship:

a network of people whose perspectives you trust.

9. Let the relationship earn the label

Eventually, you may formally ask someone to mentor you. In some organisations, formal mentoring programmes are useful precisely because they create permission, structure and access that might otherwise be difficult.

But you don't necessarily need to have The Conversation.

Sometimes the best mentoring relationships are only obvious in retrospect.

You realise there is someone you call when you're wrestling with something important. They know enough about you to challenge you rather than simply reassure you. They remember the decisions you've made before. They can see patterns you can't yet see yourself. Nobody appointed them. Nobody waved the ceremonial Wand of Wisdom.

The relationship simply grew.

So if you're early in your career and wondering how to find a mentor, perhaps start with a smaller question:

Who is someone I could learn something from — and what's one good question I could ask them? Then see what happens.